STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
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idk flipping houses looks really hard
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Called it
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.