[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
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[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
❤️❤️❤️
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
As the Lord intended
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie: