murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
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*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
He-man has a Masters degree
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
So true for me
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
*scroll*
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
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Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone