Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
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When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
I hope they boil the right one.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it