I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
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*looks at you in batman voice*
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
She puts the hot in psychotic
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
My diet starts in January
of 2027
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Try Facebook.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
How wrong was this guy?
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]