A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
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Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Monica just destroyed the internet
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.