Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
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Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Sharon, call the vet
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.