4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
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Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Why do meteors always land in craters?