I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
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wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool