He-man has a Masters degree
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All food is good if you spell it wrong
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
called in thicc to work this morning
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Scream sneezers need love too.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally