“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
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[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.