Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
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gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
“A little help here, Danny?”
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.