Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
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[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Me trying to “trust the process”
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?