Going feral. Y’all need anything?
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I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
when someone rings the doorbell
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Otters drive ottermobiles.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!