My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
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-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]