[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
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ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first