it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
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Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Happy Star Wars day!
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?