A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
You Might Also Like
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.