jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
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Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony