I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
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what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.