Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
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Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Oh the world we live in…
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Knock Knock
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.