[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
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My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
My kitchen overserved me.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them