me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
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Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.