CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
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In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Death certificates are our last participation award.