woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
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me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
When you’ve simply given up.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do