[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
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Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.