None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
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Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Not today, today.
Not today.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”