him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
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I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Autocorrect completely socks
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.