if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
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Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones