You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
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Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
I wanna be friends with this person
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.