Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
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My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.