Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
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*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Banking tips
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*