Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
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“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.