I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
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ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.