I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
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I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist