Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
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ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
mood
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
WHY?!
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.