Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
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*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.