The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
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Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
What an awful time to have common sense.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
okay run it by me one more time
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?