If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
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If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Good Morning.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.