I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
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After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
When you let grandma cat sit
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it