remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
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I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
I’m not average. I’m mean.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Thursday Thought.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Omg 🤣
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”