Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
You Might Also Like
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…