Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
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It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no