I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
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[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates