Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
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“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
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