customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
You Might Also Like
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.