Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
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me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
We’ve all been there…
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
catch me on valentine’s day like
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.