My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
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“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
dogs can find happiness so easily
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name