I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
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The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.