I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
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Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.